‘I would have done better in the general election than Rishi, unless Labour ran a lettuce against me’

Liz Truss has continued her battle to remain relevant by insisting she would have done better than Rishi Sunak in the last general election unless Labour brought out the big guns in the form of an iceberg lettuce.

Truss, who was famously outlasted by a lettuce when she came with days of crashing one of the largest economies on the planet, is now keeping herself warm at night inside a delusion of her own making, a delusion in which she is actually really very good at the job of leading the United Kingdom as Prime Minister.

Truss told reporters at a fringe conference event, “I choose to ignore all of the evidence to the contrary, and believe instead that the voters would have welcomed me as their new leader in the general election.

“I doubt people would care all that much about the fact that I made them all significantly poorer, and put mortgages out of reach for millions of them.

“The only way Labour could have possibly defeated me is if they had run a leafy salad vegetable against me in South West Norfolk. They are my kryptonite.

“Yes, that’s right, in this delusion of mine I am a superhero from another planet. Fighting against the woke forces of evil who are determined to stop me from implementing policies they claim will ‘destroy the economy’.

“I am not mad.”

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