NHS waiting lists disappear overnight after the government suddenly remembers the 40 new hospitals they built

The NHS waiting list crisis has today been declared over after officials suddenly remembered the forty new hospitals they had built since the last general election.

A Department for Health and Social Care official told us, “The media has made a big deal recently about waiting times for hospital appointments and treatment.

“But you have all completely forgotten, as had some of us, that Boris Johnson led the Conservatives triumphantly into Number Ten on a pledge to build forty new hospitals, and this party is certainly not one to tell lies or break promises.”

He continued, “These forty new, large, fully staffed hospitals will help massively with the backlog, so the media needn’t have worried about it – the waiting lists should be cleared in no time.”

Simon Williams, a friend of Matt Hancock’s, whose shed was declared to be a new and fully functioning hospital because it had some plasters and two boxes of Paracetamol in it, told us, “The hospital at the end of my garden will play a key role in reducing waiting lists, absolutely.

“At least, I think it will.

“Before he was fired for shagging a colleague and went into the jungle to eat testicles to make people like him, Matt gave me a million quid and said he’d take over running the shed – I mean hospital – and I’ve now retired to France.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling Mug here!