Energy bosses brace themselves for huge rise in bonuses

CEOs of all the energy companies in the UK are bracing themselves for the huge bonuses coming their way this year.

Lord Simon Williams, CEO of GravyTrainEnergy plc, said, “Many energy companies have gone bust this year, so there is much less choice for the customers when they select who to be taken advantage of this year.

“Conversely, at least the same amount of energy will be consumed by the country, but at much higher prices. Luckily, that means the fat cat bonus system for energy bosses is now to be shared by a much, much smaller group of us, which will, unfortunately, result in inevitable record high bonus payouts.

“With the wholesale price of energy being well-documented, such as in our clever crocodile tears marketing strategy, we are trying our level best to ensure we get all of our customers’ pay packet rather than just, say, the large majority of it.

“We’re all being adversely affected by these prices. The general populace is having to find around 100% more to pay the higher energy, prices whereas energy company top brass are finding it EXTREMELY difficult to find trousers with pockets deep enough to hold the record-high bonuses we will be awarding ourselves this year.

“With property prices so high, we wouldn’t want our customers – certainly not the poorer ones – to be able to buy a home AND keep it warm.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be able to help, as the heat generated from us executive rubbing our hands together in expectation will keep the country warm right through to the summer.”