Real Madrid retire from actively trying to murder Gareth Bale

Real Madrid has confirmed they have ‘downed their tools’ in their ongoing campaign against Gareth Bale – announcing a cessation of all military actions.

The Welsh forward has announced his retirement from both club and international football at the age of 33, following a glittering career.

Bale enjoyed his most successful years at Real Madrid, although his time with them was often turbulent, with fans, owners, and coaches having frosty relations with him.

The club said it was letting go of its 14 assassins, while also dumping its golf-ball-shaped grenades and poisoned chewing gum.

In a statement, they said: “We are happy to announce that we are retiring our campaign against Gareth Bale. We thank him for his long service in being a scapegoat for us when we were going through difficult periods.

“Now he can no longer be the hate figure we so desperately needed him to be, we are ending our attempted murder/ arson/ hate/ life-destroying campaign against him.

“We will announce a new club hate figure in due course.”