Boris names Carrie Symonds as new ethics advisor

Boris Johnson has found a nice cushy number for his latest squeeze.

In order to reassure voters that appropriate checks and balances against abuses of power are effective on his watch, the prime minister has announced a replacement to “disgraced ethics advisor Lord Geidt.”

The prime minister told reporters, “It’s a totally independent person I don’t know at all, honest – apparently she’s called Carrie!”

A Number Ten spokesperson confirmed that Boris has never met the lady, was somewhere else at the time and had a watertight alibi – something to do with an over exuberant boys-night-out with Jacob Rees Mogg, Volodymyr Zelensky and someone high up in the Met.

Simon “the hatchet” Williams, a shadowy government enforcer added that, “anyone who says or publishes anything different will find themselves on a one-way flight to Rwanda, and we’ll make sure you’re sat next to Priti Patel.”

The new ethics advisor will be laughingly sworn in at a “fuck off, simpletons” ceremony timed to distract from other bad news. Nadine Dorries will act as bridesmaid.