Nurse delighted to learn pay rise is almost an entire roll of Downing Street wallpaper
by Rich Smith 5 years ago 
A nurse from Bracknell has today learned that after a year of working on the pandemic front line, her annual pay rise would allow her to buy almost one roll of wallpaper for Downing Street.
Sharon William, 35, will see her wages go up by about one metre short of a full roll from next month, and is excited at the prospect.
“I’m delighted we’ve finally been recognised properly. It’s all well and good calling us essential workers and coming out to clap for us every week, but until this pay rise came through I didn’t realise just how much the government valued me.
“Almost an entire roll of wallpaper? Blimey, I never thought it possible.
“Maybe, just maybe, this is the year we take the kids on the holiday we’ve been promising them.”
Meanwhile, the government has asked that people stop using Downing Street’s choice of furnishings as a way of assigning value to people and things.
CCHQ spokesperson Charlie Matthews told us, “You just can’t compare the amounts of money spent on the things used to decorate Boris’ flat, with the amount of money earned by people who have risked their lives caring for us in the last year.
“Mainly because it doesn’t make us look very good, and we don’t like that.
“I mean, we don’t like it, but it clearly makes bugger all difference to people’s voting intentions.
“Have you had a look at the polls recently? Happy days!”
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