Mexico to open its borders to freezing Texans

Mexico is to dismantle large sections of Donald Trump’s ramshackle wall in a humanitarian bid to save Texan lives, which matter a great deal.

As people shivered from Austin to the Alamo, Mexican president, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, prepared to let bygones be bygones and allow his country to be swamped by a deluge of Texas residents – even the rapey ones.

However, those heading south at municipal airports found themselves stuck behind long queues of Ted Cruz, who for once had the decency to wear a fucking mask.

The news comes as Texans woke to a fourth day without power after Ted Cruz’s electric razor overwhelmed the state’s energy grid.

Temperatures this week have reached new lows across large swathes of the United States because you fucked the climate, innit?

And with no end in sight, officials urged citizens to boil water due to frost-damaged pipes, but warned that with Trump having lost the election, they’d better get used to another four years of eating shit.

Obrador told reporters, “The gringos are not bringing their best with them, they are bringing their worst, their criminals, their addicts, their Ted Cruzes.

“It’s gonna be like that scene in the Day After Tomorrow with Jake Gyllenhall and his wanker dog in which someone always manages to mispronounce Nietzsche.”

Meanwhile, scientists agree that all of this shit could have been avoided had people not relied on ‘woke’ energy sources like wind turbines and gay renewables.

Obrador added, “Teacher. You rhyme it with teacher.”