Britain offers sanctuary to Martians after China launches mission to red planet

The British government has announced it will offer sanctuary and a route to citizenship after China launched its first mission to the Red Planet today.

The news that China had launched a mission in the name of peace, prosperity and goodwill has been greeted with terror by the inhabitants of Mars, who have seen from Earthling television broadcasts precisely what that means for people on the receiving end of it.

An announcement by Premier Xi Jinping that the Mars probe was intended solely for the purpose of scientific enquiry and mutual goodwill was met by Martian families hastily packing and checking their passports were in order.

British Home Secretary Simon Williams announced that Martians would be welcome to relocate to the UK – a move denounced as a violation of international norms by the Chinese ambassador, who went on to say that the people of Mars would be happier and freer than they had ever been under benevolent Chinese administration.

Reports from Mars indicate that this promise increased panic amongst the citizenry, with millions of little green men applying for British passports in the last 24 hours.

“We don’t really see what the problem is,” said Williams.

“If the Chinese government doesn’t want their people to take us up on this offer, all they have to do is make China a nicer place to live and work than Britain.”