Trump to release details of Iran deal as soon as he can find a way to put a positive spin on just how terrible it is

Donald Trump has promised to unveil the full details of his long-awaited Iran peace deal just as soon as White House staff can find a way to describe it without everyone immediately noticing it appears to have achieved absolutely nothing that wasn’t already achieved by Barack Obama over a decade ago.

The President, who launched the conflict after insisting previous diplomatic efforts were weak, naive and ineffective, is reportedly furious to discover that the most practical way to end a war is through a negotiated agreement that looks suspiciously like the sort of negotiated agreement he spent years complaining about.

“We’ve secured a tremendous deal. The best deal,” Trump told reporters. “Much better than Obama’s deal, which was terrible. This one has all the same bits, but they’re mine now, so they’re incredible.”

Administration officials are understood to be working around the clock to rewrite key sections of the agreement so that phrases such as “ceasefire”, “negotiations”, and “future discussions” can be replaced with “total victory” and “complete domination”.

Sources close to the White House admitted the task had become more difficult after Iran emerged from the conflict with its government intact, its regional influence largely undiminished, and its strategic position around the Strait of Hormuz apparently reinforced.

“The challenge is explaining how spending fifteen weeks bombing people before returning to negotiations with an opponent who still controls the Strait of Hormuz counts as a historic breakthrough,” said one exhausted adviser.

“Especially when the negotiations seem to involve many of the same issues already resolved by Obama before Trump’s first term.

“Trump is good at pretending things are good when they’re really bad, but this is a stretch. It’s one thing to tell everyone that inflation is awful during a presidential election, and then to tell your followers it’s a good thing when it goes above 4% for the first time in three years – but spinning this deal? I really don’t know.

Trump supporters have nevertheless hailed the agreement as a masterclass in deal-making.

“Obama got a deal through nothing more than diplomacy,” said Chuck Williams, 58, from Ohio. “Trump got an even more expensive deal after a costly war that disrupted global trade and reminded everyone how just important Iran is to global shipping and oil supply.

“That’s what real winning looks like.”

At press time, White House aides were considering releasing the agreement in a commemorative gold binder labelled ‘Mission Accomplished 2: Even More Accomplished’.

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