Starmer confirms UK not at war with Iran, just letting someone else start one from our garden

The Prime Minister has moved to reassure the British public that the UK is absolutely, definitively, one hundred percent not at war with Iran, despite American bombers leaving for Tehran from a British airbase every twenty minutes.

Speaking from Downing Street, Keir Starmer said the UK’s position was “unambiguous”, adding that there was a “clear legal and moral distinction” between starting a war and “simply providing the runway, the fuel, the logistics, and a nice cup of tea to the people starting the war.”

“We are not a belligerent party,” said Starmer, pausing briefly as an F-35 took off overhead. “What we are is a very supportive friend who happens to have a large garden.”

The Prime Minister confirmed that Britain would continue to play its traditional role in US foreign policy, described by one senior diplomat as “enthusiastic facilitator with plausible deniability.”

Iran, which had apparently not received the legal briefing explaining why it shouldn’t be annoyed at Britain, responded last week by striking RAF Akrotiri in Cyprus shortly after Starmer’s statement, in what Downing Street described as “an extremely rude interruption.”

Starmer rejected suggestions that allowing strikes from British territory made Britain a target, saying he remained “confident in the robustness of our position,” before his press secretary clarified that the PM had meant “legal position” rather than “geographical one.”

Meanwhile, polls suggest 58% of Britons oppose the use of RAF bases for strikes, a finding described by the government as “a really useful data point that we will be completely ignoring.”

A Downing Street spokesman later confirmed the Prime Minister had spoken to President Trump by telephone, and that the call had “gone to voicemail.”

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