Witness protection programme struggling to think of new identity Tommy Robinson hasn’t already used

The UK’s witness protection programme has admitted it’s struggling to think of a new identity for Tommy Robinson as he’s already used every other name in existence. 

Tommy Robinson has fled the country again after he was named in an Islamic State publication threatening violence against him, with authorities admitting finding a new identity for the far-right activist is proving tougher than expected.

“We’d didn’t think it would be this difficult,” said Simon Williams of the UK Protected Persons Service.

“All the options we’ve thought of so far he’s already used before. Honestly, the team must have put together a list of about 5,000 names and every single one of them he’s already used in a previous grift. 

“You name it, he’s used it. Shaun Swindle, Freddie Fraudster, Connor Artist. Obviously some of the options he just flat out refused to entertain. Someone even threw out the name Mohammed just as a joke. It didn’t go down well with him. 

“Don’t worry though. We’ll never give up. The safety of our clients is absolutely paramount and we’re determined to think of a new identity for Mr Robinson.

“We just need a name. Any name. Oh, I think I’ve got it! Something double-barrelled – what about Stephen Yaxley-Lennon! Surely no one’s ever had that name before!

“Oh, you’ve gotta be fucking joking…”

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