Demographic committing less than 1% of mass shootings is the real danger to society, insists demographic committing more than 99% of mass shootings

Right-wing culture warriors have today warned that society is under imminent threat from a demographic responsible for less than 1% of mass shootings, while urging calm, nuance and “not all men” energy when discussing the demographic responsible for more than 99% of them.

The warning follows the discovery of a chart on social media which used the time-honoured statistical technique of dividing a very small number by a very small population and screaming.

“This proves it,” said Texas resident Derek Williams, 52, who once described percentages as “elitist”.

“When you adjust for population size, trans people are basically everywhere, doing all of the crimes, statistically. That’s just math.”

Derek clarified that while cisgender, straight white men account for the overwhelming majority of mass shooters in real terms, this was “misleading” because there are “loads of them”, which apparently cancels everything out.

“If one trans person commits a shooting, that’s like millions per million,” he explained, confidently.

“Whereas hundreds of cis men doing it is just… background noise.”

Experts have repeatedly pointed out that this so-called evidence relies on the ‘denominator trick’; a method where tiny populations are used to inflate rates until they look terrifying. These experts have now been dismissed as “woke accountants”.

Backing the panic is Dr Nigel Harcourt, a senior fellow at the Institute for Numbers That Feel Right.

“People focus too much on totals,” Harcourt told us. “What matters most is which numbers help confirm what you already believed. That’s how statistics should work.

“If you adjust for population size, suddenly everyone can be scared of someone they’ve never met instead of their weird uncle who spends far too much time shooting at targets of Democratic politicians at the firing range.”

Data consistently shows that if you are harmed in a mass shooting, it is overwhelmingly likely to be by a cisgender man, usually straight, often white, and frequently very angry about something on the Internet.

This information has been deemed “divisive”.

“It’s unfair to stereotype cis men as being the most likely to be responsible for any given mass shooting,” Derek insisted, while actively stereotyping trans people.

“Most cis men aren’t shooters. But any trans person could be, if you misunderstand the maths hard enough.”

At press time, Derek was reportedly crossing the road to avoid a transwoman, before walking straight past a cis man with a podcast, a grievance, and a legally questionable relationship with firearms.

Advertisement

Classic BritishComedy tees

Celebrating the best of British comedy from the 70s, 80s, 90s and beyond.

See the full collection →