“Actors should stay out of politics, except for intellectual titan Holly Valance,” insist Reform voters

In an abrupt U-Turn, Reform supporter Simon Williams, formerly a passionate advocate of celebrities shutting the fuck up on matters of state, has granted Holly Valance a license to speak freely.

When quizzed on what prompted this change of heart, Williams said, “It’s strange, 5 years ago I’d have sooner used a reciprocating saw as a toothpick than ever listen to her music

“But since she publicly backed Nigel Farage, I felt compelled to download her entire back-catalogue, post about her online constantly, and photoshop her into past family events.

“Yes, increasingly I really do find myself agreeing with her breakdown of the UK political landscape. By which I mean I frequently touch myself while looking at images of her.

“Like most people who were formerly married to billionaire property tycoons, it’s clear to me that she has the common touch and speaks for the rest of us – not like those lefty celeb luvvies.”

Williams admitted the fact that she was technically an immigrant did give him pause, though he confirmed that over the course of several day-drinking sessions that he’d now classed her ‘One of the good ones’. When pressed on the criteria for ‘good’, Williams replied, “She’s whi…” 

“Sorry… I mean she’s right about a lot of issues that plague this fair nation.”

Although some had questioned her use of the term ‘retard’ live on air in a GB News interview earlier this week, Williams didn’t see the issue.

He said, “She owned them by telling them they were ‘free speech nation’, which isn’t strictly true because, these days, in Starmer’s Britain I certainly don’t feel like I can use the term ‘nigger’ as much as I’d like when I’m out and about.”

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