Elon Musk aiming to become first trillionaire cult leader
by Rich Smith 1 year ago 
Elon Musk moved a step closer to becoming the world’s first trillionaire-cult-leader hybrid yesterday after Tesla shareholders voted to approve his jaw-dropping pay deal, valued at $878 billion, or roughly the GDP of a small but optimistic nation.
The deal relies almost entirely on the share price, not luxuries like profitability, business fundamentals, or reality. Analysts say this incentivises Musk to “keep promising wildly futuristic miracles that may never happen,” to which Musk responded: “Yes. Obviously.”
Tesla fans, meanwhile, erupted in scenes typically seen outside boyband concerts or during the arrival of the Pope.
One shareholder was seen weeping as he declared, “He’s not just a CEO, he’s a visionary. A prophet. A father figure. A guy who definitely, totally, absolutely will deliver Full Self Driving this year. Just like he’s promised every year since 2014.”
Sceptics point out that Musk has achieved this extraordinary pay package by convincing a loyal band of followers that future Tesla will be worth trillions, despite current Tesla making less money than the likes of Toyota, GM, Mercedes and even Kia. Investors insist this is normal corporate governance and definitely not how a cult works.
“We’re not a cult,” insisted shareholder Simon Williams, wearing a T-shirt that read WWEMD, What Would Elon Musk Do?
He went on, “We’re just believers in the mission. The mission to Mars. And to robot taxis. And domestic robots. And to probably immortality. He didn’t fail to deliver Full Self Driving, he’s just keeping us in a constant state of anticipation for well over a decade. Like Christmas, but with more lawsuits.”
Asked how he plans to reach trillionaire status, Musk hinted at upcoming visions including a “Cybertruck submarine,” “Mars timeshare condos,” and “a phone that telepathically tweets while you sleep.”
Shareholders applauded, crying out, “TAKE MY MONEY!” before voting to increase their own share dilution by 5,000%.
Experts say the deal cements Tesla’s transformation from car company to tech religion, with Musk now technically positioned as the world’s richest spiritual leader.
Rumours of an upcoming scripture release, The Book of Elonomics, remain unconfirmed.
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