Free speech absolutist now up to three boycotts a week
by Andy Matthews 1 year ago 
Local free speech champion Simon Williams is celebrating a new personal best this week, having managed to boycott three separate things in just seven days, all in defence of people being allowed to say whatever they want.
Williams, 48, began the week strong by cancelling Netflix for featuring a cartoon character who identifies as non-binary, calling it “an attack on biology, common sense, and my right not to think about it.”
He followed that up by cancelling Sky Sports after Gary Neville criticised “a specific type of middle-aged white man” for sowing division. Williams, who identifies strongly as that specific type, said Neville’s words were “hate speech” and proof that football punditry had been infiltrated by the ‘woke mind virus’.
But his final cancellation of the week truly cemented his commitment to free expression: his local café, which he swore never to visit again after discovering they had only one, ‘non-binary’ gender-neutral toilet.
“I’m all for freedom,” he explained, “but not if it means women can’t have their own safe spaces in a coffee shop I’m never going to visit ever again.”
When asked whether boycotting everything and everyone was in any way contradictory to his stance on “open debate”, Williams became visibly upset.
“I’m using my free speech to silence others who disagree with me, which is in no way contradictory,” he insisted, shouting at a passing pigeon for “looking a bit woke.”
Friends say Williams is now considering boycotting mirrors after one reflected poorly on him.
Meanwhile, he’s planning to launch a YouTube channel called Cancel Culture Is The Real Oppression, though he admits he’ll have to post it somewhere else after inevitably boycotting YouTube for showing “too many diverse thumbnails.”
“Free speech means I get to speak freely,” Williams said proudly, “and everyone else gets to shut up or agree with me.”
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