Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson to duel at dawn for Nadine Dorries’ affection

It’s been announced that Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson are to duel outside the Houses of Parliament for Nadine Dorries’ affection.

The news comes after the former Conservative minister Nadine Dorries defected to Reform, leading a furious Boris Johnson to challenge Farage to one-to-one combat.

“She once gazed at me with those loving eyes,” said Boris Johnson, clutching a 16th century rapier.

“Mr Farage has dishonoured me and as such he shall meet his maker at dawn outside the Houses of Parliament. Should he refuse, he will be tarred, feathered and publicly shamed, never to look the way of my dear Nadine again.

“This betrayal is simply too much to bear. I shall mourn this loss for the rest of my days, as no other health minister filled me with such passion. I’ve tried serenading her window with the delicate sounds of my violin, but alas, her curtains did not flicker. 

“Unfortunately, I’ve been left with no other options. I shall defeat Mr Farage and win her back. My rapier cries out for Mr Farage just as my heart cries out for the hand of Miss Dorries.

“I shall see you at first light, Nigel. Your humiliation will go down in history!”

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