Competitive Dad intensively training son in egg and spoon technique ahead of school sports day

A father’s sense of worth depends entirely on his son destroying the competition in the all-important Year 1 egg and spoon race this year.

The school sports day is the one day a year when Simon Williams regains his sense of purpose.

“I can’t have a repeat of the Reception race last year,” he told us, ruefully.

“It was a total fucking debacle. My son Jake dropped his egg so many times that he had a complete meltdown and didn’t even finish the course.

“No son of mine will be a fucking DNF!

“That’s why I’ve pulled him out of school this week – a little white lie about him having diarrhoea – in order to do some serious training in the garden ahead of the big day next Wednesday.

“My motivational technique is simple yet devastatingly effective – each time he drops the egg, he has to eat it.

“And yes, they’re raw. If he has to down a gloopy mixture of yolk, grass and cat poo then so much the better. He’ll soon learn.

“I want him to start dreaming about oological balancing. He must become one with the egg.

“I’ve given him a mantra – ‘There is no spoon’.”

Simon’s wife Karen isn’t really on board with this training regime.

“Jake’s only just turned six,” she said. “Simon doesn’t seem to realise that this egg and spoon business is just a bit of fun and that the only race people really care about is the mum’s sprint.

“Lauren, Jo, Gemma – you’re going down, bitches!”