Goddam lunatic answers phone showing ‘number withheld’
by Rich Smith 1 year ago 
A 34-year-old man from Croydon has been branded “a danger to society” after answering a phone call from a number displaying ‘Withheld’ like some kind of feral lunatic with nothing to lose.
Simon Williams, who insists he was simply “curious,” picked up the suspicious call on Tuesday morning, causing mass panic among onlookers and prompting several friends to consider staging an intervention.
“I was just sitting there and it rang,” said Williams, eyes wild with the thrill of the unknown.
“It said ‘Number Withheld’, and I thought – why not? Let’s live a little. Worst case, it’s a scam trying to relieve me of my life savings, which is bugger all because I’m a thirty-something living in Outer London. Best case, maybe it’s my long-lost uncle telling me I’ve inherited a castle or something.”
Experts agree this behaviour is symptomatic of someone with a deeply unstable relationship with technology and reality.
“He’s clearly a risk-taker,” said Professor Linda Marsh of the Institute for Digital Sanity.
“What’s next? Logging into public Wi-Fi? Clicking on links in emails from ‘Applee ID Support’? The man is a walking cybercrime stat.”
Witnesses report gasping audibly as Williams lifted the phone to his ear.
“I haven’t seen anything like it since that bloke who replied to a Facebook message request from someone named ‘G3rald_W1tchKing93’,” said one shaken colleague.
The call turned out to be from his GP surgery, which had only been trying to confirm an appointment for later this week.
“They were shocked I picked up,” admitted Williams.
“The receptionist told me she nearly dropped the handset as she’d just got used to just leaving voicemails.”
He has since been offered counselling and a large sign that reads ‘If Caller Unknown, Let It Alone’.
At press time, Williams was seen casually hovering over a QR code taped to a lamppost, muttering, “What’s the worst that could happen?”
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