Labour extends English language settlement test to Reform voters to avoid electoral wipe-out

Earlier today, plans were announced for a crackdown on immigration with a focus on English language skills being a key determinant in applying for settlement in the U.K. 

However, insiders at No10 hinted that the policy might receive a wider roll-out to include Staffordshire, Romney, Lancashire and several others wards. Specifically any council which recently changed leadership to Reform.

Simon Williams, a Labour political strategist said, “The toolmaker thing didn’t seem to help Starmer, him being a lawyer wasn’t the populist landslide we expected, removing winter payments and cutting disabilities didn’t appeal to our core voters. Now we’re hitting them where it hurts, right in the conjugal verbs.”

Addressing concerns they were playing into the sneering, leftist intellectualism that most voters find quite off-putting, Williams replied, “In fairness, we did canvas these areas and ask for opinions on the new measures being introduced – sadly, the vast majority of Reform voter questionnaires we received back were illegible and rife with punctuation errors, so we don’t really know how popular this policy of deportation will be.”

Williams added, “Honestly, I’d estimate around 70% of them reached the ‘pronouns’ tick-box and defaced the letter with, what I’m hoping was, thick, viscous brown marker.

“Hopefully by next year we will have been enforcing this policy in all wards where anyone has seriously suggested a local Councillor can ‘stop the boats’.”

Adding “That’s an example of future perfect progressive tense… You thick fucks!

“Oh, is this mic still on?”

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