Pete Hesgeth to change password from ‘password’ to ‘Password!’

After details emerged of a another catastrophic security breech from the U.S Defense Secretary’s office, pentagon officials have insisted Pete Hesgeth update his security settings to ensure his passwords include a capital and special character.

It is hoped the new policy will help ensure that the names of undercover agents will now be written in a less noticeable shade of biro on Hesgeth’s hands, and prevent him spending over $500 per month on OnlyFans subscriptions. 

One member of staff said, “We caught him bragging to a camgirl that was clearly a mustachioed Chinese agent with a Marilyn Monroe filter about how ordering the U.S Fleet into contested waters next week had caused ‘my submarine to rise.’

“Hesgeth then asked the foreign operative ‘Know what I mean?’, several times. The operative gravely confirmed that they did and then made several notes on some navigational software.”

I.T. specialists have also intercepted and prevented an inebriated Hesgeth from replying to a number of private messages from fake profiles on several dating sites, apparently trying to coax state secrets; the profiles were flagged as they listed their turn-ons as: 

• Bland looking Caucasians
• People dangerously promoted beyond their ability
• A bit of a chatterbox regarding clandestine operations in hostile (but glorious) foreign powers 

Simon Williams, a White House correspondent, claimed that a source close to the President has suggested that Trump might now be looking to replace Hesgeth.

Williams said “Honestly, we all assumed the first one out of the door was going to be the health secretary whose managed to reintroduce polio to the U.S and has apparently given people with autism a 100% tax break.” 

“Then again, instead of a reshuffle, Trump could just as easily impose 1,000,000,000% tariffs on Chinese Rickshaws tomorrow…

“Honestly, I could throttle whoever taught him that word.”

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