Astronauts threaten to eject Katy Perry if she sings ‘Firework’
by Rusty Boltsworth 2 years ago 
History is set to be made today as Blue Origin’s New Shepard NS-31 is poised to become the first all-female spaceflight since Valentina Tereshkova’s solo mission in 1963.
However, pre-launch anxieties are reportedly high amongst the crew, fuelled by pop provocateur Katy Perry’s rumoured intention to perform her hit song “Firework” mid-flight.
Sources suggest the crew, including Jeff Bezos’ fiancée Lauren Sánchez and CBS anchor Gayle King, have discussed one critical emergency protocol: a single chorus of “Boom Boom Boom,” and Perry faces hypothetical airlock expulsion at 112 kilometres.
The alleged tension began during pre-launch preparations, where Perry supposedly tested zero-G hairstyles by “vibrating aggressively” during safety drills.
“We initially thought it was just pre-flight jitters,” commented mission specialist Aisha Bowe, “until we saw her mouthing the lyrics to Firework into a shampoo bottle.”
Sánchez, the flight’s organiser, is said to have packed noise-cancelling headphones embroidered with “Not Today, Satan”—a gift from Bezos, who has chosen to remain Earthbound.
Social media has been abuzz with Perry’s hints of a “space debut” of “Firework” during weightlessness.
Some astronomers have lightheartedly warned that the song’s decibel level could theoretically destabilise the capsule’s trajectory, while SpaceX engineers jokingly offered to “accidentally” nudge the International Space Station off its course. “We’ve weathered micrometeoroids,” quipped an anonymous NASA source. “But that bridge in the song? It’s a theoretical biohazard.”
The crew’s designer flight suits – reportedly sleek, flame-resistant neoprene by Monse – feature a concealed “eject” lever near Perry’s designated seat. “It’s purely symbolic,” Sánchez allegedly insisted, though mission patches tellingly depict a firework emoji with a red line through it next to Perry’s name.
As the capsule is anticipated to cross the Kármán line later today, speculation abounds whether Perry will indeed hum the opening bars, and how the crew might react.
One unconfirmed report suggests King might “accidentally” deploy her emergency oxygen mask in such a scenario, with the incident potentially being attributed to “excessive glitter inhalation.”
Post-flight, it remains to be seen whether Perry will characterise any crew reactions as a “feminist bonding exercise,” while Bowe may or may not update her LinkedIn to include “Survived KP” under skills.
Yet more NewsThump stories
World prepares for imminent US attacks on Iran after Trump describes them as ‘highly unlikely’
Trump tackles voter concern over excessive cruelty in immigration policy by promoting man responsible for it
AI finally finds ‘true purpose’ in British society by helping people complain more efficiently
Businesses warn publishing salaries will attract applicants who are only interested in being paid
Those who insisted “innocent until proven guilty!” assert Russell Brand’s innocence despite proven guilt
