Trump Signs Order to ‘Make America’s Showers Golden Again’

In a move that left plumbers blushing and constitutional scholars reaching for their dictionaries, former President Donald Trump unveiled his latest executive order today: a nationwide mandate to “Make America’s Showers Golden Again.”

The policy, which overturns all Obama-era water-flow restrictions, promises “unlimited patriotic pressure” for showers, though critics were quick to note the unfortunate phrasing given certain unverified 2016 allegations about Moscow hotel bathroom habits.

Standing beneath a custom-designed, 24-carat gold shower head in his Mar-a-Lago estate, Trump dismissed the timing as “coincidental fake news.”

“These are literal showers, people,” he insisted, adjusting his tie under a spray so powerful it reportedly dislodged a toupee from an aide standing three feet away. “The only thing getting wet today is America’s enemies – and by that I mean low-flow toilets.”

The announcement comes just months after a London court threw out Trump’s lawsuit against ex-MI6 officer Christopher Steele over the infamous dossier. When pressed on why his new policy specifically demands “golden-coloured fixtures with exceptional splash radius,” Trump’s campaign spokesman clarified: “The President simply believes American showers should match his apartment décor. Next question.”

Environmental groups warned the policy could drain the Great Lakes by 2026. “This isn’t infrastructure,” snapped one activist. “It’s a $350 billion vanity project that might as well include monogrammed towels.”

Meanwhile, Russian state media praised the initiative as “a bold step toward… moisture liberation.”

Update: At press time, Melania Trump was seen installing a water-saving showerhead in her private bathroom, set to “European trickle” mode.

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