“Disgusting Labour are cutting benefits!” insists man who claims to hate Labour for always raising benefits

After Liz Kendall announced a £5bn cut to the benefits bill, a visibly foaming local man, Simon Williams, lambasted the government’s heartlessness for doing exactly what he claimed to want in the run-up to the election.

Williams, who previously apportioned the PAYE section of every one of his payslips in granular detail to all manner of ‘scrounging benefit recipients’, was able to completely reverse his stance once it was a Labour government doing the cutting.

He told us, “It never occurred to me that benefits were an essential safety net for many vulnerable people in this country, until the party I really don’t like started cutting them.

“It seemed much easier to get behind cutting school meals subsidies for malnourished children when it was being enforced by such likeable characters as Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt.

“That heartless droid Starmer though? And that cow Liz Kendall? They just make me realise that perhaps we should be helping those less fortunate than us?”

Williams added, “The only consolation is that those lefties will finally realise that Keir Starmer isn’t the mecca of socialism and won’t be ushering in a Maoist state of turbo-communism – SUCK IT WOKIES!” 

In response to the shocking revelation that the current Labour government has, in fact, been a centrist one all along, the nation’s begrudging Labour supporters issued the statement, “No – and I cannot stress this enough – shit, Sherlock.”

Starmer in a Thatcher T-shirt

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