Voters to wear helmets during Runcorn and Helsby by-election

It has been revealed that voters will be wearing helmets to the Runcorn and Helsby by-election after their former MP, Mike Amesbury, spent three days in jail for punching a constituent. 

Ex-Labour MP Mike Amesbury announced yesterday that he will be stepping down from parliament, triggering the first by-election of Keir Starmer’s government.

“I’m not taking any chances,” said constituent Simon Williams.

“I’m wearing all sorts of protection. Knee pads, shoulder pads, gum shields, you name it.

“Who knows? This next MP might have a big left hook on them as well. I don’t want to have to decide between slipping my ballot into the box and picking my teeth up off the floor. 

“It’s not exactly filling me with much confidence that the Reform candidate has gone with the slogan ‘Do You Wanna Step Outside?’.

“Oh, and there’s a rumour the Labour candidate has a pair of diamond-encrusted knuckledusters. Apparently, they were a gift from Lord Alli. 

“Luckily, Sheila down at the church polling station has a black belt in karate. I dare anyone to cause a scene with her around. It’ll be them with the ice pack on their face, not me.

“They don’t call her Sheila ‘Iron Jaw’ Jenkins for nothing.”

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