Government to boost defence spending with £60m bid for Virgil van Dijk
by Nathan Cowley 2 years ago 
The UK government have answered calls to increase defence spending by submitting a £60m bid for Liverpool centre-back Virgil van Dijk.
Speaking at the Institute for Government, defence secretary John Healey called for Labour to rearm Britain with a “more muscular defence”, leading to a cheeky bid for the Liverpool captain.
“The ball is firmly in Liverpool’s court,” said Defence Secretary John Healey. “Wrong sport, but you get what I’m trying to say.
“People have been calling on us to increase our defence spending and we believe this is the best way to go about it. He may not have any military training per se, but just imagine him heading all those grenades away.
“I know there’s going to be some naysayers who think the money would be better spent on fighter jets or whatever. Virgil is pretty good in the air himself, though.
“It makes complete sense from a monetary stance too. Virgil’s contract is expiring in the summer and Liverpool risk losing him for free. Everyone’s a winner.
“And the best part about having Van Dijk is that he’ll never be done for any war crimes because he’s been getting away with murder for the past seven years anyway.
“It’s a match made in heaven.”
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