Joe Biden issues ‘full and unconditional’ pardon for Gregg Wallace

Joe Biden has pardoned former Masterchef host Gregg Wallace after his behaviour drew complaints from middle class women of a certain age.

Hands-on presenter Wallace has attracted criticism from ‘birds’ after allegedly making lewd remarks about their tits – mainly bitter old slags who were pissed off they didn’t make it through the heats.

Under Wallace’s watchful eye a generation of talented chicks have made it to the big time, without so much as being felt up while applying a cranberry jus against the clock.

Biden’s pardon completes a trio of high-profile absolutions, which include his crackhead son, a Thanksgiving turkey and the already-turned-over-a-new-leaf Eastend grocer.

Indeed Gregg’s alleged misdemeanours are generally lightweight when compared to owning a firearm, having an unsightly neck and offering to be spit-roasted for thirty dollars.

Former contestant Sharon Williams, whose Lamb Biryani failed to win favour with the judges, said, “This sets a bad precedent that could be used by other alpha-male chefs such as Marco Pierre White, Marcus Wareing and that guy with the French-sounding name who offed himself a while back.

“I may have overdone it with the saffron, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to be rimmed while loading the dishwasher.”

This morning, a thankful Wallace told reporters, “Obviously, I’m grateful to Joe for the pardon, but not as grateful as I am to the special lady in my life who woke me up at 4am and sucked my big cockney helmet.”

“Cor!”