Closure of UK’s last coal-powered power station has devasting knock-on effect for snowman button industry

With the closure of Ratcliffe-on-Soar’s coal-fired power plant, the UK pre-pubescent artisans have spoken of their concerns in sourcing suitable garment fasteners for the UK’s snowmen ahead of the busiest 2-3 days of the year.

Jake Williams, who crafted five snowmen last year as an apprentice under Darren, his older brother, told us, “It’s getting harder and harder to find buttons for our snowmen. We’ve heard horror stories about how hard it was to find coal after the last colliery closed in 2015 – and now this!

“With this latest closure, it just feels like, once again, the greens have throttled another proud British industry.”

Whilst it had emerged that some children were caught substituting coal buttons with various other homemade solutions – conkers, in particular, being a popular solution – the practice quickly died out after Darren was reported as saying, ‘What the fuck are you doing, you idiot? Conkers?! We’re building artisan snowmen, not cheap snow-tat!”

Williams continued, “Sadly, in their desperation, some kids will see a snowman without its contrasting black coal buttons and just lash out… maybe by sticking a knobbly carrot into its mid-section, giving the impression the Snowman has an enormous orange, distended penis.

“It’s heartbreaking to see.”

“My Dad tells stories of how they survived Thatcher’s relentless assault on our supply lines in the 80s, but Ed Miliband and his torrid love affair with windmills might finally be the death knell of snowmen who look like they’re wearing a nice jacket in the cold.

“My dad says Miliband went woke the second that bacon sandwich made him look like an extra-terrestrial, ostracised from his native planet for being weird and now attempting to clumsily replicate how humans eat to blend in.”

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