One-word Ofsted grades scrapped in favour of GCSE-style numbers that everyone will just turn back into words

In a bold move to address the problem of reducing schools to simplistic one-word Ofsted judgments, the Labour government has announced it will replace the current system with a more nuanced, GCSE-style numerical ranking so that parents and teachers are equally confused.

The new numerical system will be in place for the forthcoming academic year, though education professionals were too busy pinching the bridges of their noses to comment.

Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer rejected suggestions that the new system lacks the simplicity of the old one and insisted it would provide parents with a “richer picture” of why the Tories are at fault for everything, ever.

Under the new system, schools will be graded on a scale of 9 (meaning this school is perfect thanks to the new Labour government) to 1 (which means that it remains the Tories’ fault that this school is so terrible).

When asked by reporters to grade his first 59 days in office, Sir Keir replied, “9.”

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