Fantasy football fans delighted to watch every single one of their players suddenly become absolutely shit

Fantasy football players all over the UK are ready, set and excited to start their season after a weekend spent watching every single one of the players they picked suddenly play like absolute shite.

As Premier League football finally returned this weekend after almost three months off, millions of fantasy football fans have been spending days on end tinkering with their team, just to see every player they finally settled on have the worst game of football they have ever fucking played.

Simon Williams, who has spent £40 on 4 different mini-leagues, told us, “I was ready, and I was not changing my pissing team again – I’m sick of it.

“I know exactly what’s going to happen already anyway, it’s the same routine every single year.

“I’ll fuck about moving players around for about two weeks beforehand, trying to fit every single good player there is into my team within the budget.

“Then I will finally settle on four or five really expensive players and fill the rest of the team with a load of dross from teams like Brighton or Southampton.

“And shock fucking horror, any decent player who I actually think will do well for me will suddenly become instantly shit overnight.

“I may as well throw my pissing money down the drain.”

Asked who he had picked as captain this week, he told us, “Well, after his impressive pre-season, I went for Jack Grealish, so of course Pep just left him on the bench for the entire game.

“At least Jordan Pickford kept a clean sheet for me. Wait, they LOST 3-0? Jesus f*cking Christ!”

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