Proud patriot ready to vicariously celebrate achievements of British athletes he’s never heard of in sports he didn’t know existed

In a display of unparalleled nationalistic hubris, 43-year-old Simon Williams is gearing up to enthusiastically celebrate the victories of British athletes he’s never heard of, in sports he didn’t know existed, as the 2024 Paris Olympics get underway.

Williams, who last engaged in physical activity during a 1996 school relay race, insists he is emotionally invested in Team GB’s success across every obscure event from canoe slalom to modern pentathlon.

“I may not know what Greco-Roman wrestling is, but if a Brit is winning it, then it’s as good as me winning!” declared Williams, a man whose idea of a workout is walking to the pub.

Despite a life marked by a series of professional and personal failures, Thompson has found solace in the achievements of others.

“There’s nothing quite like the feeling of pride when you see someone draped in the Union Jack on a podium. Sure, I can’t name any of them, and sure, I thought dressage was a type of salad, but who cares?

“It’s post-Brexit British excellence and showing Johnny Foreigner who’s boss – and that’s what counts.”

Williams has already adorned his living room with Union Jack bunting and stocked his fridge with celebratory drinks, ready to toast each victory.

“Whether it’s that thing with the ribbons, or the one where they jump over stuff with horses, I’ll be cheering them all on,” he said, clutching a bottle of warm beer.

Friends and family are bemused by Williams’ sudden surge of enthusiasm for sports that barely make it onto his radar during the rest of the year.

“He’s never mentioned taekwondo or synchronised swimming before, but now he’s acting like he’s their biggest fan,” noted his bewildered neighbour, Sharon.

As the Olympics unfold, Williams’ newfound fervour for vicarious patriotism stands as a beacon of hope for middle-aged men everywhere, proving that while personal achievement might be a distant dream, there’s always a chance to bask in the reflected glory of complete strangers draped in the correct flag.

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