Rishi Sunak’s father forced at knifepoint into NVQ Level 1 Toolmaking by unhinged Tory PR team

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Recognising that, for almost three days of his election campaign, Keir Starmer was able to leverage relatability, albeit vicariously, on the strength of his father being a toolmaker, twitchy, slightly panicky members of Rishi Sunak’s PR team announced plans to forceable enrol Yashvir Sunak into toolmaking at his local adult learning centre. 

Senior advisor Simon Williams, “Sure, the last time Starmer mentioned it there were gales of laughter, but that’s substantive improvement over the jeers and geysers of projectile phlegm we’re being met with on the campaign trail on a daily basis.

“After a night of brainstorming and medicinal strength opioids, we decided they could just be laughing with him, not at him.” 

Williams added, “After all, there is something innately hilarious about manual labour and the people we pay to do it for us.

“So we thought ‘why not try something similar?’, then after raiding Boris’ secret medical cabinet a 2nd time we thought ‘Why not just copy them entirely?’”

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When approached for comment, Yashvir Sunak said, “The other students seemed nice enough, and we bonded over DIY. Apparently Phil has some black mould in his box room – I think the library wing of Rishi’s house once had a similar issue.” 

Claiming to find the course hard work but rewarding, he added, “For my coursework, I’ll be crafting a wooden Dupont Marquetry fountain pen which I’ll gift to my accountant.

“Turns out this whole thing can be a tax write-off which’ll be a nice leaving gift for Rishi’s new life in America.”