Cartoon Network announce new series of Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

One of the 1990s most popular children’s shows is to make a comeback as Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The turtles, who in the original lived a happy-go-lucky, wisecracking existence of pizza and skateboarding, will return to battle archenemy Krang whilst dealing with adult issues such as missing a car payment and trying to shag the intern at the office.

In the first episode, Leonardo has to cancel meeting up with the guys after getting some unwelcome news from a prostate examination.

Meanwhile, Donatello tries to recruit a gang of kids to help fight old enemy Shredder by shouting ‘Cowabunga’ at them, only for them to call him a paedo and steal his Bo staff.

When the gang finally get together they order pizza for old times sake, but only pick at it when it arrives as Raphael has developed a gluten and dairy intolerance.

“There’s no point trying to introduce pop culture icons to a younger generation as they’ve got no money,” a network spokesman told us with a surprising degree of honesty.

“So we’ll just repackage the happy memories people have of their childhood and milk them again and again until they’re dead.

“It’s easier that way.”

Other reboots include Rugrats, now featuring Angelica and Chuckie aged 25 and trying to save for a flat whilst having brief and meaningless liaisons on Tinder.