Labour told election victory is ‘guaranteed’ if their plan to prosecute Covid fraud sees Michelle Mone in handcuffs

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Labour’s plan to go after £7bn in Covid-related fraud is a guaranteed election winner, if they can assure the voting public that at some point in the future they will see Michelle Mone in handcuffs.

Michelle Mone, once revered for her lingerie empire, turned her entrepreneurial sights onto a new horizon during the pandemic – personal protective equipment (PPE).

With a swift wave of the Tory magic wand, Mone’s novice PPE company was awarded a modest sum of £200m in government contracts. However, the protective gear turned out to be more suited to a Halloween costume party than for medical professionals on the epidemic frontline, and it was deemed ‘unusable’.

Despite this, there have been zero consequences for this ‘minor misstep’, if you discount the relentless applause from her Tory comrades for her ‘indefatigable entrepreneurial spirit’.

Labour has promised that should they clinch victory in the next general election, a rigorous pursuit of the Covid fraudsters will commence. Voters have demanded that at the forefront of this “justice brigade” should be the vision of Michelle Mone, donned in handcuffs, presumably a less comfortable accessory than she’s accustomed to.

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This imagery alone, voters insist, could be enough to sway the majority of voters, and perhaps, even entice a Tory or two to jump ship.

A Labour spokesperson told us, “Look, we’re really not sure the promise of locking up your political opponents is quite the sure-fire vote-winner everyone thinks it is – just look at Donald Trump.

“However, now that we’re being forced to actually announce some real live policies, it’s nice to know that at least one of them is a vote winner.”

See our ‘Grand Theft Tory’ design, featuring Michelle Mone herself here!