People are dealing with the misery of January by making New Year’s resolutions to stop doing all of the things that make them happy.
With its short days, low temperatures and post-Christmas back-to-work blues, January is well known for being thoroughly f**king miserable. However, many people still choose this time to give up booze, chocolate, laziness and other things associated with joy and happiness.
One such masochist, Simon Williams, said, “I gave up drinking a day ago and have just remembered how awful my life is – I’m lonely, fat and ugly. As drinking myself into a stupor of denial is no longer an option, I now have to join a gym.
“It’s the same every year: the first week of January – cough up exorbitant gym membership fee. Have to call in sick to work after straining calf muscle during induction.
“Second week of January – Make a complete tit of myself in a Body Combat class when I collapse from exhaustion after three and a half minutes.
“Third week of January – Beat a retreat to the cardio machines where I humiliate myself further by vomiting on the treadmill. Try to style it out and keep running, but my puke keeps going round and round and staff soon intervene.
“Fourth week of January – sit at home in my expensive new tracksuit, avoiding the gym out of sheer embarrassment and eating all those Quality Street green triangles that no one wanted at Christmas.
“Of course, the sensible time to implement positive life changes would be at the beginning of spring when the weather starts to get better, the days a bit longer, and when we can all be more optimistic about the future.
“However, by then, I’ll have long settled back into my usual routine of self-destructive consumption and dangerously low levels of physical activity.
“Anyway, Happy New Year everyone.”