Nation grimly prepares for May General Election after Tories categorically rule it out

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There is definitely going to be a general election in May now that Rishi Sunak has definitively ruled it out, according to voters who don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

“Oh Christ,” explained one London voter when told that Rishi had categorically ruled out a May general election during a visit to the East Midlands.

“Did he definitely say it won’t be happening in May? I just want to book myself a nice holiday when the grim inevitability of another election cycle raises its head.

“I’ll be honest, I thought the Tories would try and cling to power for as long as humanely possible, but then he went and said – definitively – that there wouldn’t be one in May. And now we all know that there definitely will be one.

“Why couldn’t he just stay quiet on the matter and leave us wondering and speculating, rather than speaking out to say ‘no chance’ and confirming it will definitely happen.”

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Number 10 officials have been quick to clarify the prime minister’s comments, explaining that his definitely ruling out a May election is very different from all those other definitive promises upon which he has reneged.

A spokesperson said, “When considering whether to believe the prime minister about a May election, we would ask you to ignore all the evidence before you on his previous promises on things ranging from taxes, jobs, the economy and trade.”

As we go to print, bookmakers are refusing to take bets on there being another election in May “for the same reason we don’t take bets on the sun coming up tomorrow.”

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