Suella Braverman is to propose new laws aimed at restricting the use of wheelchairs by disabled people, arguing that many people see using one as a lifestyle choice.
“Only last week I was being carried through town on my litter, when it became apparent that I was being delayed by a person, presumably a foreign person, in a wheelchair,” explained the Home Secretary, as she bathed in the blood of a sacrificial virgin.
“Naturally, I had the person beaten and their chair thrown in the canal, but I think we can do more. Nobody wants to see our great cities polluted by the site of these ghastly wheelchairs, so my new law will give the police powers to confiscate the wheelchair, kick the person using it in the balls and then run off laughing.”
She went on to argue that, for many people, the use of a wheelchair was a lifestyle choice.
“It’s clear to me that many of these so-called ‘disabled’ people are just using these wheelchairs to get from one place to another. It’s a lifestyle choice. If they simply stayed in one place, then they wouldn’t need to use a wheelchair at all.”
The Home Secretary then stamped on a puppy, stole a child’s ice cream and pushed over a pensioner before returning to Parliament to introduce her bill.