As the laughing-stock England cricket team staggers through a punishing World Cup, enduring withering criticism from all directions, it’s good news for perverted tail-ender Simon Williams.
“When we lost our opening match by nine wickets, I was deeply ashamed,” said Williams, “but it wasn’t until we were beaten by Afghanistan that I realised I’m into that kind of thing in a sexual way.
“At the end of each defeat, when I’m red-faced and panting, everyone assumes it’s due to the heat and humidity, but in reality, it’s because I’ve got a hard-on that I could smash a boundary with.
“The problem I have now is I want each defeat to be more embarrassing than the last, and at this point, that’s going to take a miracle.
“I cautiously suggested to my teammates that in our next innings, we should just flail the bat wildly with our eyes shut; they said they were all out of ideas, so we might as well give it a shot.
“So far, this World Cup has been the biggest kinky thrill of my entire life, but I’m really hoping the next Ashes tour could top it.”
Although England currently sit at the bottom of the group, Captain Jos Buttler has not written off the team’s chances.
He told reporters, “The tournament’s not over yet. We’ll carry on doing our best for the sake of the fans, and of course, for the unparalleled sexual excitement of being thoroughly humiliated on the world stage in front of millions.”