Bloody swans demanding gluten-free bread now

The pushy middle-class parents of the waterfowl world have announced that they’re gluten intolerant and you need to respect that.

Swans, who are right up themselves compared to the other birds that live in the park, confirmed that it’s a proper condition and everything and that from now on you’re going to have to go the special aisle in the supermarket just for them before taking your kids to the local pond.

“This is just bloody typical, isn’t it?” said park-visitor and bird feeding enthusiast Simon Williams.

“Had to be the swans, didn’t it?

“With their pristine white feathers and all that grace and nigh-magical dignity, you’d knew it’d be them who had a special dietary condition that you have to jump through hoops for and treat them like they’re special.

“It wouldn’t be the Mallards, would it? No, they’re too busy shagging each other and eating dog poo.”

When asked, swans confirmed that they’re thinking of getting into crystals and auras next week because that will really help with the stress of raising their darling children, Oliver and Jocasta.

Arm-Breaker swan T-shirt!