Water bills will have to go up by £156 a year if water companies are to reduce the amount of excrement they throw into the nation’s rivers while maintaining their current extremely healthy executive bonuses.
With water companies under increasing pressure due to the fact that people don’t like their rivers and beaches covered in the shit other people flushed down their toilets, executives have admitted that “something must be done”.
Simon Williams, an executive at one such water company, told us, “We need to maintain our bonuses at the current extremely generous rates, and we also probably need to stop pouring shit into the rivers. An extra £156 a year from each and every household will certainly help with that.
“Well, it will definitely help with the bonuses, and I suppose it might help with the whole ‘shit in the rivers’ thing too, maybe.
“The important thing is the bonuses, obviously. I mean, if the bonuses weren’t the most important thing, then water executives wouldn’t be getting bonuses at all at a time when the nation’s beaches and rivers are so full of effluent they smell like a day-four festival toilet.
“But we are still getting bonuses, because bonuses are obviously more important than clean water.”
Customers have reacted predictably to the news, with one telling us, “It’s the sort of plotline that The Sopranos would have rejected for making Tony look too evil. I mean, how could have any sympathy for a character that says ‘pay us, or we’ll put literal tonnes of shit into the water your kids swim in’. It’s just too big a threat, even for a mafia boss, right?
“Until today, I genuinely though extortion was illegal in this country.”