New fitness tracker gives the most convincing impression yet that it’s helping you be healthy

author avatar by 9 months ago

A new fitness tracker has been launched that, manufacturers say, will give a more convincing impression that it’s helping you be healthy than any other fitness tracker on the market.

The RunBastard 5000 is a wrist-based tracker that will periodically flash numbers at you and, every now and again, beep.

“I guarantee that within a week of putting a RunBastard 5000 on your wrist, you will be completely convinced that it is helping you get healthier,” proclaimed RunBastard proprietor Jeremy RunBastard.

“It uses a sophisticated suite of technology and algorithms to flash 20% more numbers at you than any other fitness tracker and when it beeps, its really quite loud.”

Simon Williams is a great big fat man who has long been looking for a product that will convincingly make him feel like he is getting healthier.

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“I’m not an idiot,” explained Mr Williams.

“I know that spending all day on the sofa in my pants eating cereal from the box isn’t a great lifestyle choice.

“I need to make a change, and if the RunBastard 5000 will convincingly make me feel like I’ve made that change, then I will definitely get one.”

The RunBastard 5000 will be released alongside the RunBastard 10000, a premium version of the tracker that costs twice as much as the base model and has different colour straps and a slightly louder beep.