One of the greatest spectacles in the natural world takes place in Cornwall this weekend, as huge flocks of middle-class families arrive on the coast – and naturalists are keen to watch.
Although they travel in small family groups of four or five in the family Evoque, they arrive in such numbers to form flocks of millions – filling the air around Padstow with their honking calls about how much their place in Chelsea is worth.
Naturalist Simon Williams told us, “You’ve got the adult male of the group – usually a Gilet-Wearing Brayer – who spends his evening outside the bar performing his mating call of what he earns in digital marketing to the local teenagers.
“This leaves his actual mate, often a Greater-Spotted Needy Niggler in her summer plumage of stone washed jeans or flouncy dress, to care for their young – usually called Poppy and Zac.”
The middle-class migration takes place down their traditional route of the A30, from which they spread out to their summering grounds of a rather nice fisherman’s cottage costing three grand a week.
From there, they form great flocks on coastal waters, bobbing around on bodyboards and competing for who has the larger trust fund until the bank holiday is over.