The Sun Says: John Proctor is Definitely a Witch. Hang Him.

author avatar by 11 months ago

John Proctor has been a fine businessman and a good neighbour to many in Salem. Despite that, he’s definitely a witch and deserves to be hanged.

People suggest that there is no evidence or proof that Proctor has done anything illegal. That may be, but The Sun says we need to stop being so reliant on fancy legal concepts like ‘evidence’ and ‘proof’ and simply use our common sense.

That common sense tells us that Proctor is a witch and a wrong’un, and we should hang him.

We originally broke the news that Proctor is a witch a week ago in an exclusive interview with Abigail Williams, who has shown incredible bravery in naming witches throughout our community.

When Proctor’s friends offered denials on his behalf, The Sun investigated further. We found he owned a bucket that smelt a bit weird. Had that bucket been used previously for Proctor’s terrible demonic rites? Probably.

We then discovered that Proctor had spoken directly to young Abigail and used evil and abusive language to coerce her into taking back her statements. Perhaps he even tried to cast spells and incantations to influence her? We can never know, but, being a witch, it seems likely. That’s definitely the sort of thing a witch would do.

The Sun stands by its original story that Proctor is a witch and should be hanged. Everyone should be allowed to attend and enjoy the spectacle.

We should also look into the Parker family, Wilmot Redd, and Margaret Scott next. They all definitely seem a bit witchy.