Hostage negotiators called in after man held against his will by Virgin Media contract

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Professional hostage negotiators have been called in to help resolve a man’s attempts to cancel his Virgin Media contract.

Customer Simon Williams has been held against his will on hold and passed between operators as a tense, 8-hour standoff developed between him and his broadband provider this morning.

Speaking to the press, the head of the negotiation team said they were called in after Mr Williams was asked for the umpteenth time if he’d like a no-obligation review of his account to see if they could save him money.

“The poor guy has been trapped in there with Customer Service for eight hours. No food. No water. No toilet breaks.

“We can only imagine what he’s been going through,” a tough, grizzled cop with four days to retirement told us.

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“We’ve called the Virgin Helpline, and they’ve told us that if anyone tries to go in and get him, they’ll start cutting him off.

“They’ve also threatened to ‘really mess up’ his credit rating and ‘take an axe to his bills’. These people are sick. Sick, I tell you.”

If negotiations fail to work, the team plans to send an armed response unit around to Richard Branson’s house, which members seem really quite enthusiastic about.

Speaking through a wiretap into his home, Simon Williams said he’d been hoping to transfer his account from Virgin to TalkTalk, who he was sure would be much easier to deal with.