“I am confident nothing untoward happened” – the top five creative ways to avoid an outright lie when you’re caught breaking the rules

author avatar by 12 months ago

Breaking the law can be problematic, more so when you get caught attempting to use your political influence to mitigate your transgression. So what can you say that won’t be later used as evidence of your lying?

Let’s be honest. You know you did something wrong, but right now, very few people can actually prove it. However, there is always the chance that evidence will emerge of exactly what you did, so any outright denial could be made to look like a ‘lie’ further down the road. And that would be costly.

It’s a tricky balancing act, but here are the top five ways to avoid a lie about you breaking the rules:

  1. “I am confident nothing untoward happened”. Confidence is a funny thing. You can be confident before a sporting event. Confidence is essentially a probability – you could be wrong, but it’s unlikely. It provides the necessary wiggle room should something damaging come out later.
  2. “I feel that the rules were followed”. Your feelings are yours and yours alone. No one can prove you don’t have those feelings, so making a claim based on how you feel will NEVER get you in trouble.
  3. “I believe that I will be cleared of any wrongdoing”. Belief is a funny thing. Children believe in Santa, but they don’t get fired when it’s revealed Santa does not, in fact, exist.
  4. “I did nothing no one else wouldn’t do”. Firstly, a treble negative is always helpful when obfuscating your meaning. People will spend so long deciding what you actually meant, that they will plausibly believe you meant the opposite if you ever have to pivot in the future.
  5. “We should not let this distract from [insert politically charged issue here]”. Just avoid the question. Revert back to whatever issue gets you the most support, whether it’s demonising migrants, demonising the poor, or demonising trans people. Just focus on the demonising – everything else will take care of itself.
  6. “The idea of right and wrong is arbitrary these days, do you not think?”. Cod philosophy is a great way of sounding smart to dumb people. And those dumb people will defend you to the hilt, including in the comments of this piece on social media. Go and check.