Mordor Safe For Migrants Insists Braverman

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Suella Braverman has insisted that Mordor is a safe destination for migrants, despite it being a barren wasteland riddled with fire, ash and dust, and the very air being a poisonous fume.

When asked on BBC One’s Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg, the Home Secretary said she was “not familiar” with the description. The government plans to send some migrants to Mordor if they arrive in the UK through what they deem ‘illegal’ routes.

The High Court has found Mordor to be safe, Braverman said. But she acknowledged the plans were still facing a legal challenge. 

The Home Secretary was asked about evidence that cave trolls ate a group of refugees during protests over cuts to food rations, and after being shown a video of the aftermath, she said, “That might have been during the Third Age, we’re only looking at the Fourth Age and beyond.”

The government’s legislation made provisions for individuals to challenge the decision to send them to Mordor in “extreme circumstances” of “unforeseeable, serious and irreversible harm”, she said, while stroking a large, dark sphere containing disturbing images of a huge burning eye.

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A representative of Mordor has said the actions of the cave trolls were a last resort. The black-mantled figure, seated on a fell beast and wielding a great, black mace, claimed that there was “violence at the protest”, before adding, “This is my hour. Do you not know Death when you see it?”