Home Secretary and terrifying daughter of Satan Suella Braverman has announced new plans to foil the people-smuggling gangs by diverting the English Channel to Lyon instead of Dover.
“The suffering of displaced people is hilarious; there’s nothing I enjoy more,” explained the Home Secretary as she feasted on the still-beating heart of a virgin.
“This new plan to divert the English Channel so that it ends up in Lyon rather than Calais should ensure that these people’s lives are still as desperate and unpleasant as possible whilst also stopping people-smugglers landing on British soil.”
Standing behind a lectern with ‘Divert The Channel’ written across the front, she went on to explain how she intended to achieve her plans.
“We’ll, obviously, I didn’t look into the practicalities of the plan before announcing it, but I’d imagine that we’d just build a really big wall in the middle of the Channel with an arrow on it pointing to Lyon.”
She admitted that she hadn’t been in touch with French authorities yet.
“No, but if the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that the French and their ilk will do as they’re told. We’re Britain, for heaven’s sake.”
Finally, it was pointed out that not only was the plan stupid, expensive and impractical, it was fundamentally impossible because Lyon isn’t on the coast.
“Oh for goodness sake. It doesn’t matter. We’re not actually planning to do it, just wang on about it for a couple of weeks to distract from the fact that we’re incapable of governing the country, and then we’ll announce a new plan to kick all asylum-seekers in the balls or something.”