Irish people the world over have once again demonstrated how to be truly patriotic without so much as a deckchair being thrown at a Frenchman in anger.
With the arrival of St Patrick’s Day, the planet’s streets, avenues and boulevards turned into a blaze of green and people from all walks of life came together in a joyous celebration of national identity in which everyone was welcome, whether they be Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Atheist or Don’t Knows.
And in a display of unity, landmarks such as the Burj Khalifa in Dubai and Manchester’s Arndale Centre will turn green for the day, making them a good deal easier to locate for anyone bursting for a piss.
Meanwhile, other so-called “patriots” powered up their broadband routers and took to online forums to call for more attacks against their Muslim brothers and sisters, neighbours and friends, and to sink any asylum seekers on small boats in the Channel.
Honorary Irishman for a day, Simon O’ Williams, said, “Patriotism is not applying for a job as Home Secretary and then using your powers to send planeloads of foreigners back to where they didn’t even come from, while drinking a pint of Guinness.
“Likewise, it does not mean satisfying zealots in your own party by demonising vulnerable groups who have given everything they’ve got for a chance of a life in this damp, windswept nation.
“Nor is it trashing town centres and singing songs about ten German bombers while your team loses on penalties.
“True patriotism comes from an understanding that whether you f**king well like it or not, you are a citizen of this beautifully imperfect world and that taking pride in your roots need not come at the expense of your common humanity.
“Er.. so it does.”