Study finds 6-7 parent families is optimum

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A new study has found that the traditional orthodoxy of two-parent families is outdated and is no longer the most beneficial model for successful child-rearing.

The study concluded that the optimum family structure is 6-7 parents per household.

“Two parents simply aren’t enough in today’s fast-paced world,” explained Simon Williams, who led the study.

“Eight or more parents and the child begins to forget who’s who. Six or seven seems to be the best.”

The long-running study, which began in the 80s, took 97 families and added a random number of parents to each household. Anything up to four parents produced strikingly average children, five-parent families were better, producing children who went on to have impressive careers in the civil service and dentistry.

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Children from families with six or seven parents were the most impressive and included a Nobel Prize Winner, the President of Finland, and Lizzo.

“You really need a lot of parents these days,” continued Professor Williams.

“One to change nappies, another to provide a solid foundation in languages, one with good farming skills, someone sporty, one who is very open emotionally, a fantastically stylish person, and if you’ve got a parent who can perform good quality sleight-of-hand magic tricks, then that’s a real bonus.

“Ideally, they should all be in a poly-amorous sexual relationship, so the child is comfortable with the complex sexual mores of 2022.”

Professor Williams urged the government to immediately adopt a 6-7 parent family societal model and shun and berate anyone who maintains the outdated two-parent family for the godless weirdos that they clearly are.