After finding a grey pubic hair, 35-year-old Simon Williams has reacted as if it is a sign that the world is coming to an end.
The discovery, made while getting ready for work this morning, was greeted with the sort of howl of anguish usually reserved for wild animals suffering an agonising death in a hunter’s trap.
As one neighbour told us, “First it was the screams, oh dear God… the screams. They cut right through you.
“Then it was the tears, and the guttural ‘why me’s. It went on for ages, right up until he left the house to go to work.”
A colleague of Simon’s told us that he has spent the morning trying to book holidays, re-evaluating his life, and looking at old photos of happier times on social media as if he’s been diagnosed with a terminal illness.
They explained, “He’s got this haunted look in his eyes as if the world is coming to an end – I told him it was unlikely that Sunak will start World War Three or that the economy this year will be as bad as everyone fears, but he just looked through me and muttered ‘you have no idea – no idea at all’.
“I’ll be honest, as disconcerting as it was, I’m just glad we don’t sell guns on street corners here.”