Omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient deity MUST have a penis, insist Christians

author avatar by 1 year ago

After the Church of England announced that it would look at whether God should no longer be referred to as a ‘He’, angry people who never go to church have insisted God’s genitals are central to the Christian faith.

Anglican bishops will launch a project to look at the possibility of referring to God in ‘non-gendered’ terms, leaving many easily distracted simpletons apoplectic.

Simon Williams, who only goes to church at Christmas, and only then if the weather isn’t too bad, said, “This is an outrage! God’s penis is an extremely important part of my Christian faith!

“If He didn’t have a penis, then how did He impregnate Mary? Checkmate gender-neutral atheists!

“He obviously used His Godly genitals to put that woman up the duff and give us our saviour, Jesus Christ – who ALSO had a penis by the way.”

NewsThump Hoodies

Meanwhile, non-morons have been left sighing ever louder as desperate hot-takes hit their social media feeds.

As one explained, “*Sigh*. This isn’t a very radical thing to consider. Every company you deal with, team you support, or organisation you’re part of, is referred to in non-gendered terms, so please don’t pretend like this is something your tiny brain can’t deal with.

“And if He really does have a penis, I’m sure He’ll find a way to let us know – like putting a picture of it on someone’s toast.

“Oh, stop it, He impregnated a 16-year-old girl without so much as a first date, so it’s not like He’d be above an unsolicited dick-pic.”

NewsThump best selling notebooks